Baby Talk

My current obsession is having a baby. Why oh Why is this happening? My husband and I decided a long time ago we were not going to have kids. We wanted our freedom, we wanted our money, we wanted to travel. When we met we both had said we wanted 1 kid. Then I decided I didn't want any. I talked my husband into this belief.

Every now and then, usually around the holidays - or on vacation - I would get a pull at my heart strings and wish we had a child in our lives to share in these wonderful occasions. Then a screaming child on an airplane would scare me back into my childless world. I'd tell my husband to go get snipped first chance he could.

Now here I am fat and almost 40 and having a baby is on my mind constantly. There are no holidays to blame this on, no campfire and marshmallows to nostalgically take me back to my childhood and make me yearn for a little one to share it with. My biological clock never really ticked very loudly before, and I don't feel that is my reason for it now.

Now I see mothers with their children in the shopping mall, and I wish I had a little one holding my hand. Now when in a restaurant and I see a baby smearing ketchup all over the high chair and making a mess, instead of repelling in horror, I think they look cute.

Since we have been going to church regularly - I have felt this desire growing stronger. I hear stories about people with their children and my eyes start to well up - and I feel this emptiness inside of me.

For months now I have been praying for God to give me some direction with my life, to give me meaning, to show me the path he wants me to follow. I had meant it in a career path - life direction way - and was actually hoping he was going to open a new career opportunity for me. Now I'm wondering - if this is the path he is showing me. Why else is this coming to me now?

And if that is the case, why isn't he putting these thoughts in my husband's head too? Is this just another whim - and the feeling will pass? It feels different and stronger to me this time. Well if I am meant to have a child I have to lose some weight first. So I guess i have time to figure things out. But I'm scared, what if these feelings grow stronger and Kevin never changes his mind? Is this going to drive a permanent wedge in our marriage? I guess I just need to go with the flow and let things work out on their own. That's hard for me because I'm not one who likes to wait around, but for something this important I have to be sure.

I know Kevin would be an awesome father. He's a kid at heart and would really enjoy having someone to take to a ball game or show how to build a campfire and how to make his famous weenie tots (pigs in a blanket). I married him because he had the best heart of anyone I'd ever met, and what kid wouldn't benefit from that? His friends are all having kids and loving it, so maybe he will rethink his No Children, No Way, No How stance.

We have a lot to offer a child, good values & morals. We have good families that would support us and friends too. I am going to focus on my weight loss and get to a healthy weight and see what happens then. If this is what God wants for us - he will lead us there.