My current obsession is having a baby. Why oh Why is this happening? My husband and I decided a long time ago we were not going to have kids. We wanted our freedom, we wanted our money, we wanted to travel. When we met we both had said we wanted 1 kid. Then I decided I didn't want any. I talked my husband into this belief.
Every now and then, usually around the holidays - or on vacation - I would get a pull at my heart strings and wish we had a child in our lives to share in these wonderful occasions. Then a screaming child on an airplane would scare me back into my childless world. I'd tell my husband to go get snipped first chance he could.
Now here I am fat and almost 40 and having a baby is on my mind constantly. There are no holidays to blame this on, no campfire and marshmallows to nostalgically take me back to my childhood and make me yearn for a little one to share it with. My biological clock never really ticked very loudly before, and I don't feel that is my reason for it now.
Now I see mothers with their children in the shopping mall, and I wish I had a little one holding my hand. Now when in a restaurant and I see a baby smearing ketchup all over the high chair and making a mess, instead of repelling in horror, I think they look cute.
Since we have been going to church regularly - I have felt this desire growing stronger. I hear stories about people with their children and my eyes start to well up - and I feel this emptiness inside of me.
For months now I have been praying for God to give me some direction with my life, to give me meaning, to show me the path he wants me to follow. I had meant it in a career path - life direction way - and was actually hoping he was going to open a new career opportunity for me. Now I'm wondering - if this is the path he is showing me. Why else is this coming to me now?
And if that is the case, why isn't he putting these thoughts in my husband's head too? Is this just another whim - and the feeling will pass? It feels different and stronger to me this time. Well if I am meant to have a child I have to lose some weight first. So I guess i have time to figure things out. But I'm scared, what if these feelings grow stronger and Kevin never changes his mind? Is this going to drive a permanent wedge in our marriage? I guess I just need to go with the flow and let things work out on their own. That's hard for me because I'm not one who likes to wait around, but for something this important I have to be sure.
I know Kevin would be an awesome father. He's a kid at heart and would really enjoy having someone to take to a ball game or show how to build a campfire and how to make his famous weenie tots (pigs in a blanket). I married him because he had the best heart of anyone I'd ever met, and what kid wouldn't benefit from that? His friends are all having kids and loving it, so maybe he will rethink his No Children, No Way, No How stance.
We have a lot to offer a child, good values & morals. We have good families that would support us and friends too. I am going to focus on my weight loss and get to a healthy weight and see what happens then. If this is what God wants for us - he will lead us there.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Friday, June 01, 2007
Things in the news I'm happy about today:
- The new sighting of the Loch Ness Monster! I'm not a believer in UFO's or Big Foot - but for some reason - I have faith that somewhere in that lake Nessie is lurking about. I've always had a soft spot for her in my heart.
- The Harry Potter Theme Park - in Orlando that is opening in 2009. I hope I can play Quidich and drink a butter beer someday! So You Think You Can Dance! This blows Dancing with the Stars and American Idol away. Plus its on FOX so we don't have 50 commercials every 7 minutes. This show won me over last season - when I fell in love with Benji. I wish I wasn't too fat to be a dancer.
- Bob Barker's retirement. I haven't watch The Price is Right in years, but hearing about Bob's retiring - brings back memories of my childhood eating poached eggs on toast on a tv tray, watching Bob on our big console tv. Higher, Higher, Lower....seems like it was on for hours.
- The Office - rewatched the last episode on TIVO last night. It is the funniest sitcom out there these days. After The Office and 40 Year Old Virgin - I will watch Steve Carrell do anything. Dwight rocks too. Are Jim and Pam really going to get together next season - or will they string us along some more...I don't care -I love every second of that show.
For some reason I have no interest in seeing any of these big blockbusters that are out right now. Shreck 2 sucked, Pirates 2 sucked. Spiderman 2 rocked - but this 3rd one doesn't turn me on. But Mr. Brooks with Kevin Costner - looks fantastic - might have to check that out this weekend.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
The shame of it all....
I have a secret to confess.....it's embarrassing really. I cannot start my morning until I have read the celebrity news on AOL, People.com and TMZ. I don't know what my problem is. I really couldn't care less about Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, or the Anna Nicole bizarre after death spectacle, in fact I hate it - but yet I thrive on it too. I think that is how a lot of people probably are, I mean really - Paris Hilton is a joke. She has not talent, is not very pretty and never has anything to say worth listening to -and yet - I read the crap about her. I watch The Best Week Ever on VH1 and I love The Soup. I watch these stupid entertainment newszines or whatever they are called and bitch about them the whole time. When one particular celebrity becomes the obsession - I say I'm not going to watch anymore. Any my husband laughs and says - yes you will. And he's right! I hate that he's right!
Whenever there is breaking news.....(Birkhead's the daddy)- my sister and I race to call each other 1st about it. It's kind of a joke between us- neither of us takes any of it seriously - the sad thing is usually when one of us calls to tell the other the "latest" - the other one usually already knows.
And I wonder - why? Why do I read this shit?I feel its rather pathetic but yet I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I'm a college graduate, with a semi-serious career. I have plenty of other hobbies and would say I'm pretty "normal". I think part of it is, I'm sooo bored with my job. It gives me something to do for about 1/2 hour every morning before I start my real day. I also think its bizarre and fascinating - one that these hundreds of paparazzi obsessively follow these people around - its sick and two that some of these people ( Britney, ANS, Lohan) - seem to just thrive on the attention and can't seem to take a dump without calling the media in to take pictures. I guessI'm part of the equation too, i look at the stuff every day along with millions of others. And I wonder, if i got a new job that didn't allow me to read the internet, or I was too busy to do it - would I have it downloaded to my cellphone so I could read it - or race home every night to get online to read the dish? I try to convince myself that No - I would give it up - I don't need to read this garbage every day...or do I....
Whenever there is breaking news.....(Birkhead's the daddy)- my sister and I race to call each other 1st about it. It's kind of a joke between us- neither of us takes any of it seriously - the sad thing is usually when one of us calls to tell the other the "latest" - the other one usually already knows.
And I wonder - why? Why do I read this shit?I feel its rather pathetic but yet I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I'm a college graduate, with a semi-serious career. I have plenty of other hobbies and would say I'm pretty "normal". I think part of it is, I'm sooo bored with my job. It gives me something to do for about 1/2 hour every morning before I start my real day. I also think its bizarre and fascinating - one that these hundreds of paparazzi obsessively follow these people around - its sick and two that some of these people ( Britney, ANS, Lohan) - seem to just thrive on the attention and can't seem to take a dump without calling the media in to take pictures. I guessI'm part of the equation too, i look at the stuff every day along with millions of others. And I wonder, if i got a new job that didn't allow me to read the internet, or I was too busy to do it - would I have it downloaded to my cellphone so I could read it - or race home every night to get online to read the dish? I try to convince myself that No - I would give it up - I don't need to read this garbage every day...or do I....
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
This is my baby girl Windsor. I am raising her for a charity called PAWS with a Cause. She will be trained as a service dog and help someone who is disabled or hearing impaired. She has been living with me since she was 6 weeks old and she just turned 1 year old on May 8th. This is the 1st time I have done this - and I knew from the beginning that we would have to give her up, but now the days are drawing near and she will probably be leaving me in July and I cannot bear to think about it. I love this dog so much, she has touched my heart deeply. I know she will help someone and change their life, but between us, I don't want her to. I want her to live with me for the rest of her life.
Should I feel bad?
A friend of a friend is ill....Lori is someone I have known for at least 15 years. Through these years we have run the gamet to almost being friends to bitter enemies. Words that best describe Lori......reclusive, unfriendly, hypocondriac, miserable, lonely, hateful, spiteful...trying to come up with some positive words but at the moment I can think of none. When I met my friend Mike, there was Lori too. Mike is one of the friendliest, kindest and funnest people I have ever met, and I always was asking myself, and him - why are you friends with this person? And he always said he felt sorry for her because she had no friends. Of course she has no friends, she never smiles, always has a scowl on her face, never says anything nice about anyone, doesn't bath or brush her teeth on a regular basis...
So..because I liked Mike so much, and we became the best of friends and roommates - Lori began to hate me. I was coming between her and Mike, and she hated anyone who took Mikes' attention away from her. I tried to be her friend - and we had our moments, but I really think she only acted like she liked me because she had no other choice. Oh, and one time I did something really crappy to her, and I felt bad about it - but she almost asked for people to do crappy things to her. Hard to explain but true. She never smiles, and only seems happy or laughs when she is bad mouthing somebody. She's needed mental help for years, but thinks she is perfectly normal.
Mike and I have remained close friends, although we haven't been roomates in 10 years, but Lori is still in the picture. I see her a couple of times a year and we can have a cordial conversation - when forced to. She's had many real and faked health problems over the years, a bought with breast cancer about 5 years ago - which although in complete remission - she continues to prattle on that the cancers back, woe is me is her motto. She lays on her couch for days - smoking cigarettes and drinking Coke. She takes her FMLA days to the max year after year, causing no one at work to like her.
Why am I writing about Lori now? Last week I got a call from Mike, Lori's in the hospital. Her kidney's are shut down, there's fluid on her lungs, she's dilusional - things are bad. Supposedly her Dr. prescribed her medicine that lowered her blood pressure too low and that's what's causing all of this. I feel bad for her, I'm concerned...sounds like a pretty shitty thing to happen to anybody. They have her on dialysis for days, still no functioning kidney's. They think oxygen was cut off to her brain and she may have brain damage... Now it comes out that Lori has been diabetic for years and never took care of herself in any way. She ate Pizza and drank Coke daily. She smoked 3 packs of cigs a day. And this is what is causing a majority of her problems. She may end up in a nursing home.
Mike and his friend Mark have kept me updated on her condition on an almost daily basis. They have gone to see her several times over the last week. Some days she recognizes them, sometimes she doesnt. Mike has mentioned to me a couple of times that I should call her....or visit.... and although I sympathize with her condition..I think why? Why should I call this person who deep down hates me, and only acts friendly to me because she has to? Just because she doesn't have any other friends, should I go visit just because I've known her for so long? Am I a 'bad' Christian for not reaching out to this person in her time of need? And I think - if I was in the hospital would Lori drive an hour to come see me? Probably not......Would she call me? probably not........Would she even care? probably not.....There would probably even be a part of her that would be happy that something is wrong with me.......Would I want Lori to come see me in the hospital? No....
Will I feel bad if Lori passes away from kidney failure? Yes, its too bad she felt so terrible about herself that she couldn't even try to take care of herself. Mike and Mark are rushing to the hospital at her every beck and call...and I asked them last night Why? Why did you ruin your Memorial Day - to drive all the way down there, to listen to this bitter nasty person complain for 3 hours? Will you feel that guilty if she dies and you weren't there? Why? I don't get it. Why am I questioning my own compassion-ability regarding this person.?
Screw it - I have just decided. I am one of the most compassionate people I know. I'm not going to let this hateful person, and Mike trying to guilt me - into feeling that I'm a bad person. I will say a prayer for Lori, I will send her a get well card - but I think that's all I really need to do. If M & M(my nickname for Mike and Mark) want to spend their free time at her miserable bedside - that's their choice. There are a lot of other people that I care about more than her, and who care about me that I'd rather spend my time with....Glad I got this off my chest.
So..because I liked Mike so much, and we became the best of friends and roommates - Lori began to hate me. I was coming between her and Mike, and she hated anyone who took Mikes' attention away from her. I tried to be her friend - and we had our moments, but I really think she only acted like she liked me because she had no other choice. Oh, and one time I did something really crappy to her, and I felt bad about it - but she almost asked for people to do crappy things to her. Hard to explain but true. She never smiles, and only seems happy or laughs when she is bad mouthing somebody. She's needed mental help for years, but thinks she is perfectly normal.
Mike and I have remained close friends, although we haven't been roomates in 10 years, but Lori is still in the picture. I see her a couple of times a year and we can have a cordial conversation - when forced to. She's had many real and faked health problems over the years, a bought with breast cancer about 5 years ago - which although in complete remission - she continues to prattle on that the cancers back, woe is me is her motto. She lays on her couch for days - smoking cigarettes and drinking Coke. She takes her FMLA days to the max year after year, causing no one at work to like her.
Why am I writing about Lori now? Last week I got a call from Mike, Lori's in the hospital. Her kidney's are shut down, there's fluid on her lungs, she's dilusional - things are bad. Supposedly her Dr. prescribed her medicine that lowered her blood pressure too low and that's what's causing all of this. I feel bad for her, I'm concerned...sounds like a pretty shitty thing to happen to anybody. They have her on dialysis for days, still no functioning kidney's. They think oxygen was cut off to her brain and she may have brain damage... Now it comes out that Lori has been diabetic for years and never took care of herself in any way. She ate Pizza and drank Coke daily. She smoked 3 packs of cigs a day. And this is what is causing a majority of her problems. She may end up in a nursing home.
Mike and his friend Mark have kept me updated on her condition on an almost daily basis. They have gone to see her several times over the last week. Some days she recognizes them, sometimes she doesnt. Mike has mentioned to me a couple of times that I should call her....or visit.... and although I sympathize with her condition..I think why? Why should I call this person who deep down hates me, and only acts friendly to me because she has to? Just because she doesn't have any other friends, should I go visit just because I've known her for so long? Am I a 'bad' Christian for not reaching out to this person in her time of need? And I think - if I was in the hospital would Lori drive an hour to come see me? Probably not......Would she call me? probably not........Would she even care? probably not.....There would probably even be a part of her that would be happy that something is wrong with me.......Would I want Lori to come see me in the hospital? No....
Will I feel bad if Lori passes away from kidney failure? Yes, its too bad she felt so terrible about herself that she couldn't even try to take care of herself. Mike and Mark are rushing to the hospital at her every beck and call...and I asked them last night Why? Why did you ruin your Memorial Day - to drive all the way down there, to listen to this bitter nasty person complain for 3 hours? Will you feel that guilty if she dies and you weren't there? Why? I don't get it. Why am I questioning my own compassion-ability regarding this person.?
Screw it - I have just decided. I am one of the most compassionate people I know. I'm not going to let this hateful person, and Mike trying to guilt me - into feeling that I'm a bad person. I will say a prayer for Lori, I will send her a get well card - but I think that's all I really need to do. If M & M(my nickname for Mike and Mark) want to spend their free time at her miserable bedside - that's their choice. There are a lot of other people that I care about more than her, and who care about me that I'd rather spend my time with....Glad I got this off my chest.
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