Should I feel bad?

A friend of a friend is ill....Lori is someone I have known for at least 15 years. Through these years we have run the gamet to almost being friends to bitter enemies. Words that best describe Lori......reclusive, unfriendly, hypocondriac, miserable, lonely, hateful, spiteful...trying to come up with some positive words but at the moment I can think of none. When I met my friend Mike, there was Lori too. Mike is one of the friendliest, kindest and funnest people I have ever met, and I always was asking myself, and him - why are you friends with this person? And he always said he felt sorry for her because she had no friends. Of course she has no friends, she never smiles, always has a scowl on her face, never says anything nice about anyone, doesn't bath or brush her teeth on a regular basis...

So..because I liked Mike so much, and we became the best of friends and roommates - Lori began to hate me. I was coming between her and Mike, and she hated anyone who took Mikes' attention away from her. I tried to be her friend - and we had our moments, but I really think she only acted like she liked me because she had no other choice. Oh, and one time I did something really crappy to her, and I felt bad about it - but she almost asked for people to do crappy things to her. Hard to explain but true. She never smiles, and only seems happy or laughs when she is bad mouthing somebody. She's needed mental help for years, but thinks she is perfectly normal.

Mike and I have remained close friends, although we haven't been roomates in 10 years, but Lori is still in the picture. I see her a couple of times a year and we can have a cordial conversation - when forced to. She's had many real and faked health problems over the years, a bought with breast cancer about 5 years ago - which although in complete remission - she continues to prattle on that the cancers back, woe is me is her motto. She lays on her couch for days - smoking cigarettes and drinking Coke. She takes her FMLA days to the max year after year, causing no one at work to like her.

Why am I writing about Lori now? Last week I got a call from Mike, Lori's in the hospital. Her kidney's are shut down, there's fluid on her lungs, she's dilusional - things are bad. Supposedly her Dr. prescribed her medicine that lowered her blood pressure too low and that's what's causing all of this. I feel bad for her, I'm concerned...sounds like a pretty shitty thing to happen to anybody. They have her on dialysis for days, still no functioning kidney's. They think oxygen was cut off to her brain and she may have brain damage... Now it comes out that Lori has been diabetic for years and never took care of herself in any way. She ate Pizza and drank Coke daily. She smoked 3 packs of cigs a day. And this is what is causing a majority of her problems. She may end up in a nursing home.

Mike and his friend Mark have kept me updated on her condition on an almost daily basis. They have gone to see her several times over the last week. Some days she recognizes them, sometimes she doesnt. Mike has mentioned to me a couple of times that I should call her....or visit.... and although I sympathize with her condition..I think why? Why should I call this person who deep down hates me, and only acts friendly to me because she has to? Just because she doesn't have any other friends, should I go visit just because I've known her for so long? Am I a 'bad' Christian for not reaching out to this person in her time of need? And I think - if I was in the hospital would Lori drive an hour to come see me? Probably not......Would she call me? probably not........Would she even care? probably not.....There would probably even be a part of her that would be happy that something is wrong with me.......Would I want Lori to come see me in the hospital? No....

Will I feel bad if Lori passes away from kidney failure? Yes, its too bad she felt so terrible about herself that she couldn't even try to take care of herself. Mike and Mark are rushing to the hospital at her every beck and call...and I asked them last night Why? Why did you ruin your Memorial Day - to drive all the way down there, to listen to this bitter nasty person complain for 3 hours? Will you feel that guilty if she dies and you weren't there? Why? I don't get it. Why am I questioning my own compassion-ability regarding this person.?

Screw it - I have just decided. I am one of the most compassionate people I know. I'm not going to let this hateful person, and Mike trying to guilt me - into feeling that I'm a bad person. I will say a prayer for Lori, I will send her a get well card - but I think that's all I really need to do. If M & M(my nickname for Mike and Mark)

want to spend their free time at her miserable bedside - that's their choice. There are a lot of other people that I care about more than her, and who care about me that I'd rather spend my time with....Glad I got this off my chest.